ClickHole

Below is a collection of some of my favorite writing that I’ve submitted to ClickHole, sorted by the elements I was responsible for in collaboration with other contributors and staff.

5 Signs That Your Grandmother’s Sewing Circle Has Become Militarized
Leaving A Legacy: Barack Obama Just Became The First President Since Gerald Ford To Complete The White House Monster Burger Challenge
A Historic Find: Archaeologists Have Discovered The Tomb That Both Genghis Khan And Miles Davis Are Buried In
Humble Hero: Meet The Secret Service Agent Responsible For Specifically Protecting President Obama’s Legs
Honoring A Legend: Jackie Robinson’s Widow Is Throwing Out The First Pitch At All 2,430 Baseball Games This Season
I Refuse To Circumcise My Son Because It Keeps Growing Back
5 People Tell Us About Their Worst Experience Working In Retail
Chance Of A Lifetime: Nobody Is Watching And You Could Probably Just Take The Vacuum Cleaner From This Yard Sale Without Paying
Deeply Troubling: Nickelodeon Confirmed That The ‘Legends Of The Hidden Temple’ Guards Got To Keep The Kids They Captured
Doubling Down: After Accidentally Calling His Teacher Mom, This High School Student Got Emancipated And Had His Teacher Adopt Him
True Love: When This Woman’s Husband Of 67 Years Passed Away, She Immediately Exploded And Died
Unlikely Animal Friendship: This Badger And Owl Are Still Friends Even Though The Badger Had Sex With The Owl’s Mate
Major Mishap: Colorado Just Tried Restoring Voting Rights To 30,000 Felons But Accidentally Gave Jared Fogle The Right To Vote 30,000 Times Instead
5 Episodes Of ‘Diners, Drive-Ins And Dives’ Where Guy Fieri Clearly Just Stopped Into The Restaurant Because He Desperately Needed To Use The Bathroom
Heartwarming: This Dog Spends Hours Each Day Sitting At The Grave Where Its Owner Is Buried Alive
Progress: Iowa Has Officially Replaced Columbus Day With Columbus Hour
Heartbreaking: Paul Simon Just Announced A Simon & Garfunkel Reunion Tour After Being Catfished By Someone Pretending To Be Art Garfunkel
Gaming History Unearthed: Fans Have Located The Desert Mass Grave Where Atari Buried All Of Its Employees Responsible For The ‘E.T.’ Video Game
6 Of The Biggest Differences Between The British Version Of ‘The Office’ And The Zapruder Film
Incredible Heroism: This Lifeguard Dove Into The Ocean To Save A Drowning Child But Had To Tread Water For 8 Hours Until He Found One
Twitter Meltdown: Rian Johnson Is Pleading With Fans Not To Watch ‘Star Wars: The Last Jedi’ Because It Contains A Shot Of His Debit Card That He Forgot To Edit Out
Body Positivity Win: This Elevator Can Hold Up To 2,500 Pounds
Body Positivity Win: Dove Released A Shock Collar That Sends 5,000 Volts Through A Woman’s Body Whenever She Doubts Her Own Beauty
Is Your Feud With The Local Butcher Nearing Its Conclusion?
I Used To Think Interracial Marriage Was Wrong, But Now I Think About Egg Salad So Often That I Hardly Ever Worry About Interracial Marriage Anymore
Doing What’s Right: If You Die Before Your Pizza Is Delivered, Domino’s Will Deliver It To Your Next Of Kin
While I Love The Band Rush, I Worry That Neil Peart’s Need For Drumsticks Has In Some Way Contributed To Deforestation
Can You Match The Shelter Dog To The Reason It Was Returned?
5 Ways We Can Make Football Safer For Children And 3 Ways We Can Make It Much More Dangerous
Well-Deserved: When This Mail Carrier Announced His Retirement After 47 Years, The Post Office Let Him Deliver Benicio Del Toro’s Mail
Does Your Dentist Like You?
Give Me One Good Reason Why I Shouldn’t Punch Your Face In
Do You Enjoy A Nice Bowl Of Soup?
They’re Back! Led Zeppelin Has Announced That There Will Be A ‘Friends’ Reunion!
They’re Back! The Winklevoss Twins Are Suing Facebook Again, And This Time There Are Even More Of Them
It’s Time We Start Paying College Athletes, Or At Least Start Giving Them Coupons To P.F. Chang’s
Living In The Past! Some Countries Are Still Using The Metric System
6 U.S. Presidents Who Tried And Failed To Change The National Bird To The Moth
Animal Rights FTW: This Amazing Russian Organization Provides Orphaned Bears With Free Tricycles And Boxing Gloves
A Major Advantage: Microsoft Has Released A New Xbox Controller With Pre-Mushed-In Buttons That You Can Make Your Friend Use Since It’s Your House
Incredible: This High Schooler With A Father Stationed In Iraq Got The Surprise Of A Lifetime On Graduation Day When He Accidentally Walked In On His Mom Showering
Medical Breakthrough: When This Man’s Hulk Hands Were Destroyed In A Car Accident, Doctors Built Him State-Of-The-Art Prosthetic Hulk Hands
Major Scandal: Madame Tussauds Has Been Forced To Melt Down Tom Hanks’ Wax Sculpture After It Bit A Child
Holding Its Ground: RCA Records Just Tweeted It’ll Never Pay The Foo Fighters Because Singing With Your Buds Is Not A Job
Game Over, Drumpf! This Intrepid ‘New York Times’ Reporter Just Has Two Seasons Left Of ‘The Wire’ And Then He’ll Be Free To Blow The Lid Off The Russia Investigation!
Lending A Hand: H&M Has Added A Life Alert Button To Its Dressing Rooms To Save People Who Have A Stroke Seeing How Good They Look In Jeans
A Real Shame: Brian Williams Is Being Forced To Resign From MSNBC After Leaked Documents Have Revealed That He’s A Hillbilly
Good Luck, Lady: Grandma Just Started Watching ‘Sons Of Anarchy’ In Hospice, Which Is Pretty Optimistic Considering There Are 7 Seasons
Incredibly Modest: Barack Obama Still Hasn’t Told Any Of His Friends Or Family That He Won The 2009 Nobel Peace Prize
Jesus, Kid: This Fourth-Grader Really Knows His Way Around An Owl Pellet
Heartbreaking: The Worst Person You Know Just Made A Great Point
Incredible: This Remote Amazon Tribe Is Only On Season 2 Of ‘The Sopranos’
PR Disaster: Proactiv Is Under Fire After It Was Discovered That All The Pimples It’s Made Vanish From People’s Faces Have Been Appearing On One Man Chained Up In Its Headquarters
A Piece Of History: The Chair That Timothy McVeigh Threw At The Oklahoma City Federal Building To Make It Explode Is Now On Display At The Smithsonian
Major Disaster: Over 6,000 Chimpanzees Have Escaped From An Overturned Pepsi Truck That Crashed On The Highway
Real Trooper: This 9-Year-Old Boy Is Doing A Pretty Good Job Staying Focused On ‘Minecraft’ At This Sleepover While His Friend Gets Spanked By His Mom In The Other Room
Security Fail: This Bank Was Robbed For Thousands Of Dollars Because Its Panic Button Just Sets Off The Sirens At The Baskin-Robbins Across The Street
A Troubled Legacy: Princess Diana’s Sons Have Been Forced To Sell Their Home To Pay Off The Crippling Late Fees Their Mother Still Owes An Adult Video Store
A Piece Of History: The Taffy Machine That JFK Died In Trying To Stretch Himself Into An NBA Player Is Finally Getting Its Own Exhibit At The Smithsonian
Science FTW! Scientists Have Announced That The Water That Comes Out Of Whales’ Heads Is Probably Piss
At Last! The Mind Behind ‘Lumineers- Ho Hey (Lyric Video- UNOFFICIAL)’ Has Officially Come Out Of Retirement With A New Release Called ‘Adele- Hello (HD Audio- JUST AUDIO)’
Heartwarming: When This Fifth Grader Had No One To Sit With At Lunch, The School Went Ahead And Made Him A Janitor
Positive Influence: 5 Ways To Nudge Your Teen’s Sex Dreams Toward A Stable, Respectable Type Of Guy Who Could Support Them Financially Throughout Their Life
Beautiful: ‘Cosmo’ Is Making Up For Years Of Photoshopping Models To Be Thinner By Photoshopping Cara Delevingne Into A 2,600-Pound Behemoth
Making Waves: The Biggest Winner Of NY Fashion Week Was This Shirt That Looks Dressy Enough For A Nice Dinner But Casual Enough For Just Hanging With Buds
If You Think Your Marshmallows Are Safe From Hungry Deer Just Because You Sprayed Poison On Them, Then You Are Making The Biggest Mistake Of Your Life
Heartbreaking: This Guy Is Beating Himself Up For Making A Dumb Comment In A Meeting Even Though His Coworkers Ignore Him Whenever He Talks
Environmental Disaster: The Oceans Are Now Irreversibly Polluted With Cell Phones That Businessmen Have Thrown In After Realizing What’s Truly Important Is Family
Here’s What I Learned In My Year Embedded With The Landscaping Crew I Mistook For ISIS
Whoa: Morgan Made The Mandatory Field-Trip T-Shirt Look Cute
Getting Out Ahead Of This One: Uber Has Apologized In Advance If Anyone Finds Out About Something Called ‘Project Judas’
Goodbye, Stress: Bath & Body Works Has Released A Nano Bath Bomb That Makes Your Blood Smell Like Soothing Lavender
Buying Frenzy: Gillette’s Stock Has Skyrocketed After Their President Tweeted ‘Shaved Zoos’
Miracle: Surgeons Have Saved A Baby Born With Its Arm Stuck In A Vending Machine
Being The Change: The NFL Will Donate $1,000 To CTE Research For Every Bone-Crunching, Get-You-Up-Out-Of-Your-Seat Hit In The Super Bowl
True Hero: This Lawyer Will Work Pro Bono For Anyone Suing The Snow Globe Industry
A Diplomatic Nightmare: China Has Demanded Its Own Jon Hamm
Animal Rights Win! Boston Market Has Just Announced That It Has No Idea Where Its Rotisserie Chickens Come From
Foreign Policy Blunder: The CIA Just Disclosed Hundreds Of Intelligence Memos To The Chinese Government After Accidentally Selecting Its Printer
Maddeningly Wasteful: The U.S. Navy Loses Over $45 Billion A Year To Submarines Sneaking Off With Whales And Living With Them Forever
Missed Opportunity: President Obama Just Found Out That He Was Allowed To Sleep In The White House After Years Of Living In A Hotel Near The Reagan Airport
If I’m Going To Be Allowed Back At The Frank Lloyd Wright Museum, Then It’s Outrageous That We Can’t Give Convicted Felons A Second Chance
You Go, Girl! When This Woman Noticed A Stranger On The Train Clearly Taking Pictures Of Her, She Silently Accepted That This Will Just Happen Now
Hero: When This Man Heard That A Handful Of People Are Crushed Each Year From Vending Machines Tipping Over, He Decided To Hold Out For A Bigger Problem To Address
Super Dad: When This Father Found Out His Daughter Was Being Teased For Her Weight, He Taught Her How To Really Go After Someone’s Socioeconomic Status
One For The Underdogs: This Small, Community-Run Bank Just Foreclosed On Its First House
Making Things Right: When This Baby Orca Washed Ashore, A Group Of Courageous Bystanders Offered The Sea An Equivalently Sized Bison
This Is An Internet Article About How Arnold From ‘Hey Arnold!’ Would Be A Republican And There’s Nothing You Can Do To Stop Me
Heartwarming: When A Gland Disorder Caused This Third-Grader To Gain Weight, His Classmates Each Put On 100 Pounds To Show Their Support
Every Time You Jump Into The Deep End To Save My Drowning Daughter You’re Actively Criticizing My Parenting
Environmental Disaster: The Vatican Has Announced That Only 3 Black Rhinos Remain In St. Peter’s Basilica
Lucky Break: This Couple’s House Tripled In Value After Billy Joel Accidentally Got His Head Glued To The Porch
I’m Teaching My Sons To Respect Women Except For The One From ‘Sweeney Todd’
I Ate Nothing But Clif Bars For A Whole Year And Their CEO Still Won’t Make Me His Son
I Was Never Able To Accept My Son’s Autism Until I Monetized It Through Blogging