The Onion
Below are the headlines I’ve written for The Onion over the past several years, with the accompanying photoshops and articles done by their fantastic staff.
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Yankees Attribute Offensive Slump To Terrified Hitters Closing Eyes During Swing
MLB Owners Propose CBA That Offers Players College Credit In Lieu Of Salary
NFL Expands Super Bowl To Include 2 Additional Teams
Billy Eppler Takes Mets GM Job To Get Closer To Son Mr. Met
So-Called Diehard Fan Won’t Even Leap Over Stadium Railing To Catch T-Shirt
Phil Mickelson Becomes First Golfer To Win Major In 14 Different Decades
Carey Price Lets In Easy Goal While Contemplating Chemical Properties Of Ice
Mike McCarthy Dismisses Talk Of Locker Room Turmoil After Cowboys Burn Mike McCarthy Effigy On Field
Mariners Place Kyle Lewis On IL After Losing Him In Thick Outfield Smog
Cubs Install Cardboard Cutouts Of Fans Pissing All Over Streets Outside Wrigley Field
Jerry Jones Changes Team’s Name To Redskins Now That It’s Available
Mike Greenberg Encouraged To Wear Mask To Help Prevent Spread Of Inane Commentary
CDC Guidelines Say It’s Safe To Play Tennis If That’s Honestly How You Want To Spend Your Free Time
MLS Commissioner Relieved That Nobody Knows Him By Name
89-Year-Old Football Fan Still Finds It Surreal That Draftees Are Younger Than Him
Taiwanese Robot Baseball Fan Ejected For Yelling Slurs At Pitch Camera
Panicked Referee Trying To Retrieve Super Bowl Coin From Vending Machine Before Opening Toss
Eli Manning Retires From NFL To Focus On Being Statistically Average Father
Bengals Assure Injury Prone Tua Tagovailoa He Can Have Any Of Andy Dalton's Organs
Case Keenum Wins Redskins Starting Job With Heartfelt ‘What I Like Most About Football Is’ Essay
Jordan Lyles Becomes First Brewer To Wear Irrational Number
Adam Gase To Play All 22 Positions After Pushing Out Entire Jets Team
Nationals GM Introduces Players To New Stepmanager
Racine Legion To Select Second Overall In NFL Draft Using Pick Acquired In 1923
New Era Introduces New Spiked Baseball Caps To Keep Pigeons From Landing On Players’ Heads
Steve Ballmer Rewards Playoff-Bound Clippers With Complimentary Microsoft Office Upgrades
Nike Fires 8-Year-Old Shoemaker Responsible For Zion Williamson Injury
Texas Rangers Asking Taxpayers To Cover 60% Of Bribes Related To New Stadium
NASCAR Race Stops To Wait For Family Of Ducks To Pass
Qatar Unveils Indentured Mascot For 2022 World Cup
Tom Brady Reveals That Humanity Will Perish Long Before He Retires
Dirk Nowitzki Shatters Backboard Glass With Powerful Soprano Singing Voice
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Gamer Camping Outside Home Depot On Off Chance They Start Stocking PS5s
Trouble Not Your Mind, Gamers: Video Games Are Considered Cool Right Now
Touching Tribute: This Video Game Is Dedicated To Some Person Named Emily
Innovation FTW: New PS5 Controller Features Third Joystick You Operate With Your Tongue
Amazing News Gamers: Everyone Is Having A Great Time Playing Video Games
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